Our military correspondent Elazar Ben Latke reports that the soldiers from Judah the Maccabee’s army have taken control of positions on the route to Jerusalem by means of Hannah Zelda armoured people carriers.

In the town of Modiin all the apartments that were put up for sale, have been snatched up, there are just a few penthouse apartments left for a bargain price in the Temple.
Food experts of the Hasmonean government succeeded in finding the ingredients for the soup that Chanukah, one of the three scouts, found The soup was cooked on the day that the miracle occurred and it was found located between the kitchen and the army cook.

Our reporter for cultural affairs reports that Matityahu Ben Doughnut (known as Matti) is starting a series of sole performances for the Maccabean army. The subject of the performance: “A candle in the backside”.
A double miracle occurred today in Lahav, the colony of the discharged soldiers from the Hasmonean army:

No sinkhole opened following the rains and a worker was found for the second shift at the Kafria shop. Our reporter for cash and economy affairs reports of a stormy meeting about the fate of the real estate lands in Modiin and about the future partnership in constructing a MacDonald’s stall. The settlement centre compared the probabilities of success to a Greek elephant that collapsed on Elazar the Hasmonean, or in short – a white elephant.
The Hasmonean Broadcasting Authority decided to prohibit the continued appearance of Tommy Lapid on the popular program due to him calling for collaboration with the degenerates and the Hungarians.

The Labour Committee centre in Modiin received an honorary degree: a spinning top. And this in a special event held for it by the five brothers, the sons of Matityahu in Jerusalem, the panel of judges gave their reasons:
Alike a spinning top it also spins around itself until it falls without strength and without a solution.

The leader of the women in the Maccabean army Ms Shula Balloni suggested deducting a day from the eight days of Chanukah – and dedicate it to cutting sidelocks.
In Beit Tzur the Manager of the Chanukah Oil branch was charged with transgressing the laws of ethics. In the branch for several months they have been diluting the machine oil with olive oil and selling it to cake shops for making doughnuts.
The manager resigned saying: Good oil is better than a good name.

In the Hasmonean colony at Lahav it was decided in a discussion between members that a trip to Rome and a visit to the Arch of Titus would not be considered as an overseas trip but rather as a holiday in Israel and this to impart to the members the lesson of the Maccabees.
And here is breaking news that has just reached us:

In the game for the Caesar’s cup the discus thrower Doron Jamsi from Modiin made three points from the three quarter point of the pitch, the second before the evening prayers, in an amazing anti-Titus throw.