The Drunkards’ Haggadah for Drunkards’ Eve
Venetia Press, 1552
Why is this day different from all other days? On all other days we spend part of the time working and part of the time eating; but this day is all food and drink. On all other days we drink water or beer without wine, but this day is all wine. On all other days we break our bread as usual; on this day in Israel we settle for no less than a feast fit for a king. On all other days we eat to satisfy our hunger and drink to quench out thirst; on this day we all feast, stuff ourselves and get drunk.
A story of Rabbi Glutton, Rabbi Grampa Winer, Rabbi Hango, Rabbi Drunko and Rabbi Bottle who ate and drank at a Purim feast all day and all night and got drunk. Until they collapsed under the table holding their wineglasses. The next day their students found them wallowing one on top of the other. They said: Gentlemen, it is time for some breakfast.
Rabbi Bottle of Dripdale said: I have already been joyful for Purim; hence I am entitled to a Purim banquet, three days and three nights. Rabbi Grampa Winer commented, as it is said: From sorrow to joy, from mourning to a day of celebration. Sorrow for three days and three nights, as it is said: And fast for me; neither eat nor drink for three days, night or day.
Rabbi Glutton said: Seven days. As it is said: From mourning to a day of celebration, and there is no mourning for less than seven days. The wise men say nothing rather they eat and drink until the Messianic Age.
What does the wise son say? What are the testimonials, statutes and laws to deal in night and day? We would rather sit by the flesh pots or go to the pub. You should say to him: They should be kept in place until Passover.
The foolish son what does he say? What does this joy of Purim mean to you, as you have seen neither Haman nor Mordechai? You and not him: Since he excludes himself from the community he has denied the Megillah, and you should blunt his teeth by saying to him: none of this is worth it, neither to me nor to him. If he was there he would have been hanged.
The simple son what does he say? What is this? You should say to him: This is a Purim feast and all who take part in it get to enjoy a whale’s feast.
And the one who does not know how to drink, you open his mouth, as it is said: Open wide your mouth and I will fill it, and is is said: Teach it to the children of Israel; put it in their mouths.
Several good virtues G-d has shown to us:
If Vashti had been killed and Queen Esther had not taken her place - Dayenu;
If Queen Esther had not called Haman to the banquet - Dayenu;
If Esther had called Haman and the king’s sleep had not wandered - Dayenu;
If the king’s sleep had wandered and Haman had not come to the courtyard - Dayenu;
If Haman had come to the courtyard and not led Mordechai on the horse - Dayenu;
If he had led Mordechai and not fallen on the bed - Dayenu;
If he had fallen on the bed and Harbona had not spoken - Dayenu;
If Harbona had spoken and the sons of Haman were not hanged with their father - Dayenu;
If he had given their property to Mordechai and vengeance had not been taken on the haters - Dayenu;
If vengeance was taken on the haters and the Purim holiday had not been determined - Dayenu;
If the Purim holiday was determined and a feast and joyfulness were not commanded - Dayenu;
Rabbi Laughingstock would say: Anyone who has not done three things on Purim has not fulfilled his obligation, and they are as follows: Eat, drink and dance.
Each generation, every man must see himself as if he had been in Shushan the capital, as it is said: And as they had decreed for themselves and their descendants; neither Mordechai nor Esther nor the sons of their generation alone were saved from the hands of Haman, rather we too, as it is said: The Jews established and imposed it upon themselves and their descendants and all who would join them, that without fail.